Loving Not To Win

Loving Not To Win.

Recently, a young man named Steve asked me for some advice regarding his troubled relationship with his girlfriend.

He discussed with me how he had made some life concessions in order to be with her, which involved moving his residence from another state, which in turn also affected his basketball playing, (he is a very good basketball player with hopes to go professional)

A year after making these changes, things were about to change again. His girlfriend wanted to move once more and he had already become situated in this new location. Her argument was that she needed to move for educational and career reasons, yet he felt that he had already done his part to show her he cared and now it was her turn to make concessions.

The burden of this relationship quagmire put a strain on their relationship and Steve didn’t know what to do. He was frustrated and filled with angst. He loved her but felt she was not doing her share to be with him.

There were a few other parts to this conversation that involved a side story of her being kissed by another guy at a party, but in the end I could see his fear regardless of what his storyline looked like.

When he was done speaking, I recognized many of the mistakes that young love brings with it and wondered what I would say that could ease his pain without me specifically telling him what he should do. Understanding that he was an avid basketball player I decided to use a personal sports example to help him cope.

I told him a story of a floor hockey game that I was playing in. There were a group of us about to play and three of the best players happened to be my two sisters and myself. The others knew of our ability and so when the teams were made, my two sisters and I were given players that for all intents and purposes, could hardly hold a hockey stick.

My two sisters and I immediately realized that there was no chance on earth we would ­­— or ever could ­— win the hockey game that we were about to undertake.

Ordinarily, winning would have been our objective, because it made us feel good about ourselves. But this time, with the understanding that a win appeared very much out of our reach, the three of us psychologically removed the meaning that a win would have provided our egos and decided together just to play the game and have fun.

The game began and almost immediately it became apparent to myself and to my sisters that we were playing flawlessly. It seemed that not having a need to win resulted in our ability to make with ease, amazing plays and passes. To the awe of the other team we won that game by a large margin.

To this day my two sisters and I recall what we learned from that experience. We learned that wining should be an outcome and not a need. Further and in retrospect, I recognize that it was having been given the least capable players that served as the impetus for my sisters and I to get ourselves “out of the way,” which in turn resulted in us playing our best game ever.

After I recounted the above story to my young friend, I pointed out to him that in many ways, relationships are like a game. But in the relationship game whether we realize it or not we have a need to win…and that win is represented by whether or not we feel love has been achieved.

So I suggested to him, to the extent that he could, that he approach his current relationship without need. I recommended that he play the game of relationship but without the requirement his girlfriend behave a certain way. I reminded him that whether she is near or far or whether she does what he wants or not, his love for her does not have to be affected. Simply put, I told him that his relationship with her was a game that he doesn’t have to win.

Upon my finishing, I saw a smile come upon his face and a sense of weight seem to lift off his shoulders. For a moment he began to realize that he didn’t have to manage everything with her. He understood that he could just be in the game without having to win. It was this momentary awareness that allowed him to feel good about his relationship regardless of what direction it would take.

Love isn’t something to be won; it is a gift to be accepted. Not knowing this, we approach relationships with the underlying need to win love, never realizing that the purpose of the relationship was to help us realize that love was always present.

Worldly relationships have an inherent tendency to be complicated and messy and we can’t avoid that. If we approach them with a need to manage them in order to win love they will become nothing more than a disappointing experience and an uneasy game.

Yet, we can work to get ourselves out of the way and in so doing our relationships will experience a gentleness of acceptance instead of a fighting to win. No longer will we need to keep score to measure if love has been won. For love is an outcome of awareness and not a goal to be won.

If we remind ourselves of this, then no one loses.